Feng Shui Or No Way?

Let me start by saying that I know virtually nothing about Feng Shui. I only know that it's an ancient Chinese philosophy based on wind and water...that's it. I hear it mentioned from time to time and once had someone tell me that my preference of  raised furniture has to do with the wind principle. I have no clue. I just know I have a preference for furniture with casters and upholstered pieces without skirts. I always just assumed it had something to do with a combination of appreciating the flexibility of pieces that can move easily for entertaining and that they generally have a lighter presence in a room. Oh, and the Felix in me loves how easily they can be cleaned under! But like many topics I am unfamiliar with, I am always game to learn something new.

Once a year, I manage to get sick.  Last year it was around this same time. I do what I always do when I know that faking wellness...smile...wear more make-up...put on a good front...suck it up, is about to end.  I get through necessary commitments...and crash. This is the kind of sick where I lay on the sofa all day, because I can't stop blowing my nose, I sound like I will cough up a lung and everything aches...how long will this take to type? Yesterday, after hours reading, napping and channel surfing, I remembered there were shows on my DVR I could watch. When it looks like the yearly sick thing is going to happen, I try to to stock pile books, magazines and random television shows that I think will be entertaining. I made an observation, or rather confirmed one: there is so little really good television to view. Tonight, I am hoping my husband will pick up a movie on his way home.

I start with The Stagers. I've seen this before and think it's decent....contains a good before and after. This episode was a mother/ daughter team. The daughter was incredibly rude. I wonder what the clients will think of all her face making once the show airs. She insults them and her mother on several occasions. Fortunately, there are other, more likable stagers on this show. Her mother makes one quick comment about Feng Shui. Perplexing, as it didn't seem related to anything on this episode.

Then I move on to Selling New York. There are two "selling" scenarios in one episode and my daughter comes in during the one where a mother has enlisted the help of her realtor friends to find an apartment for her daughter. The group of all women were chatting over lunch. My daughter accuses me of watching Housewives, she doesn't specify which one. This is only the second time I've seen this show, but I chuckle at her observation.

The other scenario is about a really stunning pre-war apartment. I am smitten with all the beautiful details: high ceilings, original plaster mantle and moldings, mahogany doors and abundant light. If I had $7.45 million, even with it's unfortunate suburban kitchen update and outdated bathroom, I'd  move right in. The potential commission is $372,500. The realtor is pulling out all the stops to make it look good to sell to the right client. I would absolutely do the same. He hires a top notch designer to do the staging. He hires a Feng Shui master to move the energy and cleanse the apartment. The master is an attractive, I'd say sixty-ish, woman. Her job is to cleanse and  introduce positive energy into the apartment. Ironically, the only negative energy seems to come from her. She is condescending to the designer and insists on wearing sleeveless black dresses throughout the show. There are few things that promote bad energy more to me than armpits...especially pits of a certain age.

The master and the designer attempt to collaborate on the staging. The realtor states he is a "disciple" of Feng Shui. He is enthusiastic about working with the master. The designer...not so much.  She irritates the designer on more than one occasion. The master chalks it up to his creative ego, and yet he remains calm throughout. She forbids him to use brass lamps by a mirror. She said it creates "metal energy". I guess magnets on the refrigerator will not be part of the staging. Just as well, I am not a fan.  The designer presses on with input from the master.  They end up with furniture placement in the living room that is beyond odd.  There are two coffee tables right next to each other, separated by the all important path the master insisted is critical. The carefully orchestrated path will take you straight into the wall between two windows. I instinctively rub my temples.

One of the coffee tables is a monolithic black beast that partially obstructs the view of the fireplace. Is fire bad? No one says. The master then goes from room to room adding her "boosters.'" First she places a small black stone on the other coffee table, a marbled stone topped rectangle with a metal base. So now there are 3 forms of stone in one room. But, what does it mean? No one says. Next, she heads to the kitchen and places a "crystal" in a small alcove above the stove. It appears to be a compact size mirror from the Dollar store. Last, is the introduction of the turtle. What is it's significance? No one says. The turtle appears to be marble and is placed on one end of the huge foyer with it's stunning marble floors. What does stone on stone, and stone next to stone mean? No one says. This annoys me and once again, I've run out of tissues. I think my energy must be bad. Perhaps I need more Vick's to soothe me. It occurs to me that if I was a potential buyer, and if I didn't trip on the turtle (it blended into the floor) I would pick it up along with the pebble and mirror and hand them to the realtor confident the previous owners forgot to pack the miscellaneous items.

 At the end of the episode the master walks around the apartment spraying something in the air. Is it Glade? No one says. And lastly, in the final act of creating positive energy, the master uses a metal kitchen mixing bowl embellished with a bright yellow enamel band that is the perfect match to her scarf, and goes room to room dipping her fingers into the bowl...flicking water....everywhere.  Past the mirrors, past the silver candlesticks and past the metal based coffee table...ceremoniously with her special bowl in hand.  The apartment did not sell.

All images borrowed from Google under the category Feng shui.