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Thursday, March 24, 2011

Feng Shui Or No Way?

Let me start by saying that I know virtually nothing about Feng Shui. I only know that it's an ancient Chinese philosophy based on wind and water...that's it. I hear it mentioned from time to time and once had someone tell me that my preference of  raised furniture has to do with the wind principle. I have no clue. I just know I have a preference for furniture with casters and upholstered pieces without skirts. I always just assumed it had something to do with a combination of appreciating the flexibility of pieces that can move easily for entertaining and that they generally have a lighter presence in a room. Oh, and the Felix in me loves how easily they can be cleaned under! But like many topics I am unfamiliar with, I am always game to learn something new.



Once a year, I manage to get sick.  Last year it was around this same time. I do what I always do when I know that faking wellness...smile...wear more make-up...put on a good front...suck it up, is about to end.  I get through necessary commitments...and crash. This is the kind of sick where I lay on the sofa all day, because I can't stop blowing my nose, I sound like I will cough up a lung and everything aches...how long will this take to type? Yesterday, after hours reading, napping and channel surfing, I remembered there were shows on my DVR I could watch. When it looks like the yearly sick thing is going to happen, I try to to stock pile books, magazines and random television shows that I think will be entertaining. I made an observation, or rather confirmed one: there is so little really good television to view. Tonight, I am hoping my husband will pick up a movie on his way home.

I start with The Stagers. I've seen this before and think it's decent....contains a good before and after. This episode was a mother/ daughter team. The daughter was incredibly rude. I wonder what the clients will think of all her face making once the show airs. She insults them and her mother on several occasions. Fortunately, there are other, more likable stagers on this show. Her mother makes one quick comment about Feng Shui. Perplexing, as it didn't seem related to anything on this episode.



Then I move on to Selling New York. There are two "selling" scenarios in one episode and my daughter comes in during the one where a mother has enlisted the help of her realtor friends to find an apartment for her daughter. The group of all women were chatting over lunch. My daughter accuses me of watching Housewives, she doesn't specify which one. This is only the second time I've seen this show, but I chuckle at her observation.



The other scenario is about a really stunning pre-war apartment. I am smitten with all the beautiful details: high ceilings, original plaster mantle and moldings, mahogany doors and abundant light. If I had $7.45 million, even with it's unfortunate suburban kitchen update and outdated bathroom, I'd  move right in. The potential commission is $372,500. The realtor is pulling out all the stops to make it look good to sell to the right client. I would absolutely do the same. He hires a top notch designer to do the staging. He hires a Feng Shui master to move the energy and cleanse the apartment. The master is an attractive, I'd say sixty-ish, woman. Her job is to cleanse and  introduce positive energy into the apartment. Ironically, the only negative energy seems to come from her. She is condescending to the designer and insists on wearing sleeveless black dresses throughout the show. There are few things that promote bad energy more to me than armpits...especially pits of a certain age.


The master and the designer attempt to collaborate on the staging. The realtor states he is a "disciple" of Feng Shui. He is enthusiastic about working with the master. The designer...not so much.  She irritates the designer on more than one occasion. The master chalks it up to his creative ego, and yet he remains calm throughout. She forbids him to use brass lamps by a mirror. She said it creates "metal energy". I guess magnets on the refrigerator will not be part of the staging. Just as well, I am not a fan.  The designer presses on with input from the master.  They end up with furniture placement in the living room that is beyond odd.  There are two coffee tables right next to each other, separated by the all important path the master insisted is critical. The carefully orchestrated path will take you straight into the wall between two windows. I instinctively rub my temples.



One of the coffee tables is a monolithic black beast that partially obstructs the view of the fireplace. Is fire bad? No one says. The master then goes from room to room adding her "boosters.'" First she places a small black stone on the other coffee table, a marbled stone topped rectangle with a metal base. So now there are 3 forms of stone in one room. But, what does it mean? No one says. Next, she heads to the kitchen and places a "crystal" in a small alcove above the stove. It appears to be a compact size mirror from the Dollar store. Last, is the introduction of the turtle. What is it's significance? No one says. The turtle appears to be marble and is placed on one end of the huge foyer with it's stunning marble floors. What does stone on stone, and stone next to stone mean? No one says. This annoys me and once again, I've run out of tissues. I think my energy must be bad. Perhaps I need more Vick's to soothe me. It occurs to me that if I was a potential buyer, and if I didn't trip on the turtle (it blended into the floor) I would pick it up along with the pebble and mirror and hand them to the realtor confident the previous owners forgot to pack the miscellaneous items.



 At the end of the episode the master walks around the apartment spraying something in the air. Is it Glade? No one says. And lastly, in the final act of creating positive energy, the master uses a metal kitchen mixing bowl embellished with a bright yellow enamel band that is the perfect match to her scarf, and goes room to room dipping her fingers into the bowl...flicking water....everywhere.  Past the mirrors, past the silver candlesticks and past the metal based coffee table...ceremoniously with her special bowl in hand.  The apartment did not sell.

All images borrowed from Google under the category Feng shui.

19 comments:

  1. Just found you! Loved the post! Drop by to see our fabulous imported French Basketeer Giveaway. To quote Andrea plastic bags are “so passé!”

    Best,
    Liz

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  2. It's a bunch of horseshit (pardon my French).

    I saw that episode of "Selling NY" and wasn't sure who was the bigger idiot - the feng shui "master" or the realtor who hired her.

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  3. I am cracking up!!! I can relate to how you feel I have been battling with said illness this week too. Reading lots when the eyes aren't watering etc, etc. Now about the Feng Shui,hmmmmm?? Not for me I think the way it looks and feels trumps the right region in the room for wood, fire, water etc. I did see a special on Kenny Logins home and he is totally into this practice and according to him it made a huge different of the energy flow of the home. Shoot I just want to learn how to make my own energy flow!!! Great post and I love your critique!! Hope you feel better soon! Kathysue

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  4. "Pits of a certain age", Bwaahaahaha. I haven't read a post that hilarious in a long time. I hope you feel better but sickness seems to enhance the bite in your bark.

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  5. LOL! How did I miss this episode? And, Kerry's comment above...DITTO!:)

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  6. No way! I say it's garbage. Funny observations-especially about the fridge magnets and old arm pits. I feel the same about feet-old ones being the worst!

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  7. After just returning from China I am all Feng Shuied out! We had a guide one day who could talk about nothing else!

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  8. Those Feng Shui'ers are cracker jacks! I used to work at a dental office where the dentists in the office listened to a feng shui "expert," and kept a perfectly working wall fountain turned off for half the year to promote good feng shui. The patients all kept asking if it was broken! Not to mention the practice went under after only a few years.

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  9. OMG I saw that episode of Selling NY with the feng shui master and that woman was a NUT! She had that poor guy arranging the furniture in a horrible fashion. I've been told our bed is in the wrong place because it's near the door, we're losing all our energy.....not that I can tell! I hope you feel better Rebecca!

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  10. Ha! You captured the absurdity of that espisode perfectly! A shameful sham over-the-top disservice to this ancient practice. There's a lot of legitimate info about Feng Shui, but this wasn't one of them!

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  11. I actually saw this episode and cracked up at your post. After just getting my real estate license and having a degree in design - I would have fired both of them. That apartment was so fabulous - the space planning was terrible and Ms. Feng Shui was coo coo! I respect the Asian culture I work with Asia on a regular basis and while I am not about Feng Shui - there are elements I find interesting. Just because it's different. However, this was so over the top - I couldn't take it. I wanted to boot them both out of the house and decorate it myself. I'm addicted to this show! Great post.

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  12. Your description is a hoot! I just had the best moments of today. Sadly enough - a true master of Feng Shui would handle this completely differently but those who are bragging to be "a master" after a 4weeks course are ridiculing themselves... I cannot believe all that b.......t that is selling!!!!

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  13. Hope you are feeling better. I love The Stagers and are very disappointed HGTV has no new episodes planned. It seems the Canadian HGTV shows are so much better than the states. In Selling NY, I wanted to Feng Shui that woman and realtor right out the highrise window.

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  14. Hope you are feeling better but clearly you had some interesting entertainment that made for a very amusing post. "The Master" is clearly the kind of person who gives what might be a valid philosophy a sordid name!!

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  15. Ha Ha...I saw the end of this episode and was wondering what the spraying was all about! BTW...I have a little rock turtle that a little 5 year old boy gave us as a gift, it's sitting on our rock fireplace hearth...hmmm, what do you think it means???
    Feel better soon, although I agree also that you being sick produced a pretty funny post!
    xo J~

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  16. Not buying it. Saw only a part of it and thought it was a big crock of you know what. At least you were entertained, and do hope you are on the mend soon.

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  17. The Americanized-commercialized-make money as a consultant version is often practiced by people who learn a little and then try to do alot. Seems like that's what you saw in these shows. The practice is 3000 years old and centers on the ch'i (energy of a space). Like acupuncture, when practiced by true masters, it can add great value. A very sImplistic case in point - sit in a room full of clutter vs. one that is not and just notice how you feel. Or, visit a college campus w/industrial, monolithic buildings vs one that is well laid out with buildings w/character. Although the Western architects for the second campus probably didn't practice feng shui, through their eye and gut feelings they ended up following the principles.

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  18. Thanks to all for sharing a laugh...I must admit my humor has waned as this cold has lingered...being sick makes me grumpy!

    While this woman appeared to be a total crack-pot, I Googled her and it seems she is considered one of the best in biz...as in hired by celebrities and the wealthy. She even has her own web-site. Scary. I think this practice is likely best left to the Chinese for proper execution.

    David, I found your comment most intersting!

    MNH, I totally agree that getting rid of clutter does wonders to lift the spirit.

    As for me personally, I don't need Feng Shui to get the right energy flowing in my house. All I really need is a clean house and a happy family.

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  19. I saw that episode too! Cracked me up....poor designer....he was very patient.

    So glad your sense of humor is there to help you through..."laughter is the best medicine" is a universal remedy....my own headache is feeling better already.....feel better soon!

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